Hi there. We haven’t been properly introduced, I’m Seven. Semi-famous in 2 or 3 neighborhoods around BKK, and totally anonymous everywhere else on planet Earth. I’ve taken up writing for Bangkok Nights in the hope of brightening your day, if briefly. At the moment I’m suffering through my annual visit to the United States of Idiots and Tyranny, and the only way I can relax is to distract myself by thinking about Thailand. The following will be a meditation on a hypothetical heaven that—for the moment—only exists in my mind. It’s my ideal gogo bar, and it’s called…..
It would be huge, with high ceilings and multiple stages. In each of the 4 far corners would be a small stage where a girl would be perched on either one of those jiggling exercise platforms or a trampoline. It would have its own tattoo parlor so girls could get work done in between rotations, and customers who want to look at boobs while getting ink can do so. Girls would be divided into teams, and each team would have a unique costume theme.
There’d be a special way to make cocktails. You’d choose your alcohol and get it neat in a tumbler. Then you’d have a variety of frozen juice or mixer cubes—in the shape of naked women—to choose from. Pick one (or more) to suit your palate and place in your drink. As it melts, enjoy.
There would be 2 hallways—one that connects to a regular disco next door, so customers could have the option of buying a dance over there with their favorite girl, and one that leads to a short-time hotel, in case anyone wants to….take a nap. Every Wednesday would be cosplay night, with girls in elaborate costumes. Every Sunday: foxy Muay Thai and oil wrestling. Mondays would be 80s nights, with dance hits from my youth and girls in day-glow retro outfits.
Just outside the club would be a handful of food carts—hot pretzels, mama noodle burritos, and donut holes. Customers could order from inside and have their snack hand-delivered to their table. At each seat would be a light that can be switched to red, yellow, or green—red meaning “please don’t proposition me” and green meaning “I’m open to be approached.” Yellow for “I want to pay my bill.” Fixed to each table would be a laser pointer on a swivel. If a guy wants to buy a girl a drink, he need only point the laser at her to get her attention. The men’s toilet would be fitted with one-way glass that provides a view of the stage.
Regulars would receive a free VIP card that entitles them to happy hour prices at all times. Semi-private rooms with big tables sporting dance poles and high-backed booths would provide a more personal touch.
Flat screens would adorn the walls and play a variety of videos from female K-pop bands (thanks for the idea, Glamour) and women’s beach volleyball—Asian teams only.
The second floor would be a VIP area that only the regulars would have access to (using their cards). The floor would be one-way glass so they could watch the girls onstage downstairs. No dancing would take place in the VIP level. It would just be dark booths with black curtains, billiards and darts, a special bar serving craft beers and premium liquor, a separate staff comprised of the hottest ladies in French Maid lingerie, a glass ceiling, and an outdoor smoking area complete with cigar bar and wine cellar. Also, private karaoke rooms.
If at any time a tourist were to get on any of the stages, the music would stop and house lights come up until they exited. The Thunderdome would have a zero tolerance policy for nonsense like that.
And the coup de gras—a party bus that would circulate between the other 2 BKK RLDs with girls and booze onboard, so blokes could keep partying while in transit.
Is it a delusion of grandeur? Possibly. But if you see it pop up on Patpong Soi 2 in the next decade or so, you can say you heard about it here first. Until then, feel free to dream about it, as I so often do.