Well hello again. I’m Seven. I live the dream in case you can’t. Today’s offering is the final installment of the 3-part series titled “Burgers near the Red-Light” wherein I give you my unsolicited opinion of burgers near each of Bangkok’s red light districts. Parts 1 and 2 (Patpong and Nana) can be found here on bkknites.com and now, today, finally, is my review of Soi Cowboy-proximate burgers. As always, the photos are of the actual burgers I ate, and they’re in order not of goodness but of closeness to the bouncing bottoms and boobies of the RLD in question. Full disclosure: this review figuratively almost killed me. It forced me to eat more burgers in a month’s time than anyone ever should. So I hope you appreciate my sacrifice. I have to buy new work pants now because I’ve added two inches to my waistline. It’s a #Thailandproblem. You’re welcome, by the way. Now, on to the good stuff:
Tiger Burger. Distance from the RLD: 0 meters. On the corner of Soi Cowboy and Sukhumvit 23 is Tiger Burger. It’s small, nondescript, and easy to miss as your eyes are drawn to the beckoning line of Cowboy’s neon signs. And unless you’re famished and have two broken legs and thus can’t carry yourself another 20 meters, it’s better that you do miss it. I ordered a water and one checkbin for me and my buddy. Instead I got a San Miguel and two checkbins. This was an omen of things to come. The burger was……not overtly unappealing. But it also wasn’t great. I got bacon of course(115 for the cheeseburger plus 20 for bacon), which helped add some flavor. The cheese was that mild white processed cheddar common in the UK. The meat was minced, not ground, also common in the UK. I regret not getting a fried egg on top.
Seven gives it a 5. My buddy gave it a 4.
The Old Dutch Corner. Distance from the RLD: 0 meters. By the time this article is published, it’s likely the Old Dutch Corner won’t exist anymore. It’s being torn down to make room for the expansion of Crazy House. But since I took the time to eat there, I offer this useless review to be read and then instantly forgotten. Just like the burger was for me. The best thing about it was the price: 115b with no add-ons. 195 if you get fries with it. Store-bought bun, iceberg lettuce, tomato, bland cheese. UK-style minced beef. My overall opinion is “meh.”
Seven gives it a 5.
Distance from the RLD: 20 meters. Scruffy’s is on Sukhumvit 23 directly across from the entrance to Cowboy. They’ve got a great atmosphere, lovely attentive staff, and at the time I was there, a promotion: a free pint of Singha when you order a burger. I think you can guess which of these joints was my favorite. I got the Guinness burger (299b). It was hands down the most unique of the Cowboy burgers. Potato bun, lots of caramelized onions, a mild chutney sauce, melted cheddar, bacon. The presentation was terrific. But when I bit into it, I tasted mostly bun and onions (would that be bunions?). The patty was juicy and cooked perfectly, but it was light on flavor. Even so, it was the best one I had on the Cowboy-close expedition.
Seven gives it an 8.
Distance from the RLD: 40 meters. Great décor and an awesome location. That’s the good part. I ordered the Corleone—cheeseburger with bacon and a fried egg (395b). It took them 40 minutes to make it, and when it arrived I was so hungry I dove right in, and the yoke of the egg was so hot it scorched my tongue and lips. Some of it dripped onto my hand. It burned my hand. It short, it was friggin hot. I ate the rest of my meal with teary eyes, it was so hot. Here’s a word of advice: if you order one of these, wait a minute for it to cool. Also, leave the wooden pick in. The fixins are very slippery, so if you remove the pick, your burger will flop out all over the table. It’s a gorgeous-looking burger, as you can see from the photo. But it didn’t wow me and I won’t be back.
Seven gives it a 6.
Distance from the RLD: 45 meters. Across the street from Godfather is Bradman’s—a small, unassuming joint with friendly staff and a few high-top tables, long bar, and back dining room. The only option that came with bacon was the double cheeseburger. I didn’t want to tackle it, so I got the American burger (290b) which came with two slices of cheese—cheddar and Swiss—on a huge patty. It also came with one tiny piece of lettuce and one baby-sized tomato slice on the side. I think a specialty burger would’ve been better. The one I got was……OK. To be honest, I think these guys do a lot of other food that is better than their burger.
Seven gives it a 6.
Make no mistake, there are lots of other burger places near Cowboy that didn’t make this review, such as The Clubhouse, Chunky, Craft, and on the other side of Sukhumvit, Bad Burger (had this one been in the list, it would’ve won best burger easily). But to be frank, these places are further away than a lazy whoremonger wants to walk, and quite pricey. So for better or worse and closer than farther, the above list does the job.
Stay tuned for my next series, Mexican Near the Red-Light, which may or may not be running concurrently somewhere on bkknites.com and keep up to date with nightly Tweets from the RLD @BangkokSeven or browse the photos on my FB page.