7 Suggestions from Seven: An open letter to Thai bar girls (that not a single one of them will ever read)

Dear Thai bar girls, gogo dancers, freelancers, and karaoke hostesses,

First let me say for now and forever: I love you, I apologize for my behavior, and thank you for your service. You are a bright spot in the black hole of PC 3rd wave feminazi culture slowly ruining all of Western society. You give me a reason to earn a living, and to venture out of my apartment. Without you, I’m sure I would’ve become a horrid recluse or shot up a McDonald’s by now. You keep me happy, and I’m grateful for you every day of my life. Having said that, though, in the hope of making your lives (and mine) a little better, or at least run more smoothly, may I be bold enough to offer a few suggestions?

1—be loyal to your loyal customers. While it may seem in the moment that the rich-looking middle aged Japanese first-time tourist who just walked in would be the best mark, the truth is you’re going to be better-off in the long run by giving preferential treatment to the regulars. Sure, that guy may spend more on you tonight—he’s on holiday, a “one-week millionaire”—but over the course of a year, you’re going to get a lot more out of the old fart who buys you a drink every night. It’s basic math.

2—If you don’t know me, some small talk is in order before asking for a beverage. I know, you’re probably not an English wordsmith, but how else are you going to learn? Also, if you seem even slightly more interested in me than in the drink, I’ll be happier about buying it. We both win.

3—Don’t get jealous. I’m Seven. I know everybody, including most of the girls you work with, so if I grab the boob of your coworker, it doesn’t mean I want to marry her. And there’s plenty of me to go around. Your standing isn’t being threatened. I’m still going to roll up a hundred baht and stuff it in your bra. Take it easy.

4—If I’m friends with your girlfriend at work, we are not automatically friends. When I buy her a drink, it does not entitle you to one. I don’t mind if you ask, but don’t get your panties in a bunch if I say no. Try again tomorrow. I might be in a more amicable mood.

5—Smile, honeybunch! You’re so pretty when you smile. It makes me want to give you money. In my job, when I’m in a bad mood it brings down everyone else in the room. So I have to fake it. Even when I feel terrible, I put on a happy face because I know it affects the people around me. This is even truer for you. Dancing and frowning don’t mix, and it definitely doesn’t increase sales. Chin up, buttercup. There’s a lot to smile about. For starters, I’ve got my arm around you. Things are already turning around.

6—Fool me once, shame on us both. But I’ll forgive you—once. If you act up again, you’re done. No third chances. My gravy train comes with one very important condition: that you don’t complicate my world in any way. If you start even a little drama, you’re fired. If you use emotion to try to get your way, you’re out on your ass. If you say you’re coming by at 6:00 and 7:00 rolls around and you’re still not here, I’m heading to Paddy Field and you’re sh*t outa luck. Permanently.

7—Say yes to a tasteful, artistic naked photo session. It’s just for my personal use. I’m serious. It’s not hurting anybody, and I’ll never show them to anyone, as far as you know.